tickettoheaven: chafing-nipples: dangermat: when bananas rot they secrete stuff that makes other fruit including bananas near them rot faster that’s so fucked up that is murder suicide bananas commit murder suicide that’s pretty fucking metal I’d say it’s pretty fucking bananas
adventuresonpaper: I’ll come back for you i whisper as i caress the books i can’t afford
(I work in a Coffee Shop. I was on break in the lobby when a couple walks in. Directly behind them is a cute little boy in Batman costume.)
Me: “Oh my God! It’s BATMAN!”
(The boy stops, strikes a pose and starts looking around menacingly. After a few seconds, he approaches the counter.)
Mother: “Jeff, would you like a chocolate milk?”
Boy: “I am not Jeff. I am The Batman.”
Mother: “The Batman, would you like a chocolate milk?”
Boy: “Yes. Yes, The Batman would.”
(The couple pays while the boy sits down with his chocolate milk. He keeps a stern look on his face as he sips the drink.)
Boy: *sips* “Gotham is safe.”
Sometimes I look in the mirror and think “Oh daaaamn ;)” and other times I look in the mirror and think “Oh daaaamn :’(“
damngruchy: hailthelordylordypicca: i wish someone loved me the way Jay Gatsby loves Daisy NO YOU DON’T
friend: *whispering* if you're stupid say "what"
friend: OH MAN
OH DEAR FUCKING CHRIST
I GOT YOU SO GOOD, THAT WAS AWESOME
SWEET, SWEET DICKS IN MY MOUTH. I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED THIS HARD. EVER.
JESUS. JESUS HELP ME.
iguanamouth: I KEEP THINKING ABOUT DINOSAUR BONES LIKE SOME OF THEM ARE SO FUCKING BIG YOU KNOW PEOPLE USED TO DIG THOSE UP AND THINK THEY WERE FROM DRAGONS THE LARGEST SKULL EVER FOUND WAS OVER 8 GODDAMN FEET LONG FROM A TOROSAURUS THATS FUCKING INSANE IM SO PUMPED ABOUT THIS I LOV E DINOSAURS LETS GO BURN DOWN THE POST OFFICE
theanti90smovement: sext me your favorite line from the gettysburg address
canadianslut: *sprays febreze on your attitude*
perma-scowl: may the wings of your eyeliner always be uneven
comedy-jesus: solluxpooping: boodlicious: Imagine in like 1000 years when we populate other planets it will be like “Omg I met this really awesome girl on the internet but she lives on Neptune” planet zoned
joellamarano: okayophelia: tacticalnymphomania: nellachronism: loveforalia: You know you had a Catholic upbringing when somebody says “May the force be with you” and your instant reaction is to reply with “And also with you”. Lift up your lightsabers. We lift them up to the lord. Let us give thanks to the Force our guide. It is right to give the Force thanks and praise. A...
so after i saw the avengers
these two girls, no older than eight, were standing outside the theatre with their parents, and i overheard their conversation.
girl 1: so which guy was the cutest?
girl 2: loki! duh!
girl 1: uh no it was hulk
girl 2: YOU WEIRDO!
girl 1: you're the weirdo!
their dad: actually, you're both weirdos, captain america was the cutest
banesboner: “you cant have depression i saw you smile like five minutes ago stop crying” THIS FACE EXACTLY I WILL KILL YOU
i-choose-fit: fightblr: flaming-scrotum: muggleland: the ceo of abercrombie and fitch has a lot of nerve saying that ugly people shouldn’t wear his clothes when he looks like an albino orc from the lord of the rings fashion Now is the time to reblog this. I’ve been awaiting this picture. Hahaha I can’t help it. The irony.
twatsmussen: ohsnapitsnik: sherlockey-werlockey-stuff: IS NEMO GOING TO BE A SASSY REBELLIOUS TEENAGER “no dad you don’t understand me” nemo
claydols: my favourite super smash brothers character is niall horan