Coming back to the screenplay I started and had to stop a year ago is really taking a lot out of me emotionally. Have you ever felt like you knew you had to sleep, but something important was keeping you awake? My heart is heavy and bursting with everything I need to say. I need to find a way to get those words to my fingertips. Even then, those words I write will doubtless do little justice to the words I want to write.
This song exemplifies the message I want my words and images to relay.
I miss being four and watching Pocahontas and Jurassic Park all the time with my dad on the couch in the basement. I miss playing Cooties with my dad all day long. I miss just having nothing to worry about but coloring and my mom leaving for work in the morning. I miss thinking I was Pocahontas, and talking to trees and rocks and animals because they were my brothers. I miss screaming at the top of my lungs because I thought I could sing like Ariel from The Little Mermaid. I miss doing puzzles with my daddy for hours and hours on end, then having him bury me in a pile of stuffed animals before my mom got home so I could jump out and scare her. I miss the phase I had where I wore nothing but white opaque tights, party dresses, and black patent leather maryjanes. I miss playing with blocks and those goofy little geometric shapes in the Pre-K classroom with Adam and Gia and everybody from the Lower School. I miss playing on the wooden car on the Lower School playground, pretending we were going to visit the Spice Girls at their house. I miss Boy-Girl wars on the playground, which would inevitably be stopped by the teachers right when we were really starting to have fun. I miss jumping around Gina’s bedroom with her and pretending we were on American Idol. I also miss throwing stuffed animals off Gina’s balcony for some reason. I miss going into her sun room, pretending her couch pillows were actually laptops, and that we were talking to our boyfriends, Nick Carter and Brian Littrell. I miss building tree branch forts with her in her backyard. I miss everything.
I want to go back to my childhood. It seems like I blinked and it was gone, and I didn’t even realize I was losing it. Now I have to think about what I want to do for the rest of my life. The rest of my life. It’s absolutely terrifying. I look at my parents and I’m noticing their wrinkles and tired eyes more and more. What am I going to do when they’re gone? I tear up just thinking about it. I want to go back to that simple time where all I really had to do was play with my parents and pretend.
“Mom, Listen, I haven’t been together with Topanga for twenty-two years, but we *have* been together for sixteen. ‘Kay, that’s a lot longer than most couples have been together. I mean, when we were born, you told me that we used to take walks in our strollers together in the park. When we were two, we were best friends, I mean, I, I knew everything about this girl. I knew her favorite color. I knew her favorite food. Then we became six, you know, and Eric made fun of me because it wasn’t cool to have a best friend that was a girl or even know a girl, so for the next seven years I threw dirt at her. I like to call those “the lost years”. Then when I was thirteen, Mom, she put me up against my locker and she kissed me. I mean, she gave me my first kiss. She taught me how to dance. She was always talking about these crazy things and I never understood a word she said. All I understood was that she was the girl I sat up every night thinking about, and when I’m with her I feel happy to be alive. Like I can do anything. Even talk to you like this. So that’s, that’s what I feel is love, Mom… When I’m better because she’s here… and now she won’t be. So we’re finished.”—
It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of ANNABEL LEE;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.
I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love-
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.
And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.
The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me-
Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.
But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we-
Of many far wiser than we-
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.
For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea.