I CAN’T SLEEP AND I REALLY FUCKING NEED TO. I HAVE AN EARLY CLASS TOMORROW. MY ROOM IS SO GODDAMN LOUD. I’m so fucking sick of this. Nothing is working. I need total quiet. Total fucking quiet. No refrigerator noise, nothing. I’m sick of hearing clicking, and traffic, and typing, and everything. I’m so fucking angry right now.
I’m so fatigued lately. It’s difficult to even get out of bed. Now, this can mean one of two things: 1) I’m sick, or still getting over my sinus infection, or 2) my Celexa isn’t working anymore. Now, if it’s the latter, I’m really worried. My anxiety and depression have been a day-to-day struggle since I was seven years old, and finally sophomore year I was medicated. It had become too much to deal with on my own. I don’t want it to be my crutch. It’s just so hard to fight through it. It makes you weak, and tired, and sore, and apathetic. More than a constant feeling of sadness, depression is more of a constant numbness. An unfeeling. Everything you loved before has become “meh.” It’s like your passion for life is a vacuum.
And I don’t want that again.
For a while now, I’ve been the “crazy” one of our group. I get called psychotic or crazy or both on a pretty constant basis. Now, I’m not blaming my friends for anything - they probably aren’t even aware. But that stuff can really get to you after a while. I even went along with it in the beginning of last semester..but it just gets so old. I’m not crazy. I’ve been hurt, and I feel it. And anyone would be “crazy” had they been through things I’ve been through.